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INSTRUMENT

                                         ~ 1991

So, a friend of mine has been telling me I should be in
a band.  He says I just seem like someone who should be
in a band.

And a certain bboard goddeslet recent said something to me
like "So, which band are you in?"

But I don't play any instruments, and my singing skills are
somewhere below those of Lou Reed. And I've never tried to
write any songs, or even much poetry, and a few years of
bboard postings have probably hopelessly corrupted my sense
of meter, if I ever had one.

Okay, so let's assume I can write any genre, if I work at
it.  And we assume I learn to fake singing (easier if I
write stuff so that I can sing it).  And we further assume
that I'm going to learn to play something.

What should I learn to play?

Yusuf says it should be the accordion, but you should never
take a Haverist too seriously.

Someone else suggested Saxophone.  Saxs are cool, but I
know from experience that they annoy the shit out of your
housemates while you're learning to play them.  I'd have to
spend my free time hiding in the foothills for the next
several months.

Base, drums, are all reasonable, but they're not much good
solo.  Guitars, of course, but everybody plays guitar.

I keep coming back to keyboards.
I'm closest toward knowing how to
play them, you can wear head phones           But...
while you practice, you can mess              I have trouble with pianos.
around by yourself vocals,                    There's no back space key.
keyboard, and tape recorder.

They're _lousy_ on stage though.
Like having another drummer.        (Except you can at least see
                                     what drummers are doing...)
I received some other
suggestions for instruments I
could play:

Playing myself isn't a bad
idea.  I could be the male          (Or an American Gerogerigegege.)
Madonna.

Playing tambourine has
possibilities, too.  I'd need
to get a black leather
miniskirt, I suppose.  But
then, you can go for the same
effect using keyboards.

Farfisa organ has advantages over synth/MIDI/keyboard
route-- so does piano, for that matter-- in that you
know you can get a complex, proven sound out of them.
But I don't think you should write off electronics too
soon.  Synthpop is boring, because it's made by boring
people who do boring things with their equipment.  A
decent MIDI keyboard can be programmed to do weird
(albeit, pointless) shit like play thunderclaps on the
low notes and bird tweets on the high notes.  Even an
old analog synth can have the distortion cranked up
high enough to be more metallic than a Fender with a
dozen fuzz boxes.

I mean, where would we be if people took this attiude toward
electric guitars?

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