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WAYOUT
June 29, 2000
Tales of Bill
Okay, let me tell you
about a friend of mine.
I think it's
This guy was fair to say
a Real Maniac. he was a friend
Except that he of mine.
wasn't a *real*
maniac, he just Certainly we
looked that way to had a lot of
people who can't respect for
tell the difference. each other.
(There are people who But then, maybe
think that *I'm* a he didn't know I'm not entirely
maniac, and I'm in how much respect sure why I'm telling
a completely different I had for him? this story.
class.) I certainly never
told him directly. I have grave
As he himself suspicions that
put it he did Too late now (as I'm succumbing
things that I'm sure you've to the impulse
*looked* guessed from the to layout a juicy
dangerous, But by past tense, eh?). piece of sordid
but in very all means, gossip.
safe ways. leave no Pretty fucking
stone typical, too, isn't? Or maybe I'm
For example... unturned showing off,
Well, *which* in the "Damn, I wish claiming association
example? search I'd had a with a really cool
for chance to tell genuine boho artist
Riding guilt. my dad I was weirdo... just to
about in It's the sorry about show that I'm not
a couch Brenner losing all entirely a boring,
mounted way. those tools." bookish, computer
on the geek.
front of But somehow
a fork I have my
lift? doubts that But I also have
(But I a pat on suspicions that I'm
think that the back from being too hard on
was his me would've myself. There may
wife's made the be other reasons
idea.) difference... I need to write
this that I'm
not giving myself
Um, how about credit for.
mixing margaritas
with a blender Maybe it's just that
powered off the this is what I do,
back wheel of his Which is one my main reaction
motorcycle, and of the reasons to turmoil.
pouring drinks I have trouble
for people on comprehending To try represent
the forklift, a suicide the turbulence, to
while riding down without a capture the shape
the street? note. of it, maybe turn
it to a fixed
Or you might compare I can't help structure I can
something like the but think that work with... the
photo of him standing he might have results of this
naked, firing a pistol done better if is what you're
out across the eel this is one of looking at here.
river at his bachelor the things we
party, to his intense had in common.
reputation for gun
safety (he would gladly
take friends out, and I don't do suicide.
teach them to shoot, I just do the notes.
but only after a long
and elaborate safety
lesson...).
Then, there's the trebuchet,
the medieval chinese siege
weapon (an improvement on
the catapult). Evidentially,
a lot of people know about
these things these days
because of some Discover
channel documentary. I know
about them because of Bill, This is actually something
who wasn't just satisfied with I think is really interesting
knowing about them, he had about his general approach.
to build one for himself. I sometimes hack together things
in a way that might be considered
I understand that the comparable to what Bill does... (used
first use of the trebuchet to
was at his bachelor party, But if I'm going to take the do.)
where it was used to shoot trouble to build something, I
things into the Eel river like to feel like I'm creating
(I don't think he quite something new, that I'm working (which is
made it across, which was on something of my own design. not to
the original goal.) There say that
are photos of an interesting With Bill the he didn't
experiment they tried, impulse was a design new
launching a rock wrapped little different... stuff...)
in a flaming gasoline if he thought
soaked rag. something
sounded neat, For example, there's the
Myself, I was a he would work potato gun... which
latecomer to the out how to fires whole potatoes
scene (as is not build one for propelled by a fuel-air
unusual) and I himself. explosion. Centerpiece
was brought on of many an Ocean Beach
board as a celebration.
member of the So he wanted to
trebuchet crew a have a trebuchet... On the other
few weeks ago, or wanted to be someone hand, there's
when he was who had a trebuchet? the pickle
getting it tuned He was clearly an lamp...
up for an artist, but something we
exhibit at the just as clearly both
SFMOMA. one of his main independently
arts was the way that felt the need
We were out in he lived his life. to try out
an empty field when we heard
in SOMA firing An individual. about it.
bowling balls, An adventurer. (Mine were
melons and water much simpler
balloons for A vessel for the than his,
hundreds of holy fire, for the though...)
yards. Well not divine madness.
the water
balloon, And I'll never
actually, forgive him for
that the way he went
disintegrated out. Suddenly,
on launch. all of that
beautiful
This was a Thursday night creative
that I'd really wanted insanity looks
to go over to the luggage like it might
store to hear some music, have been just
but Bill had never asked insanity.
me for help with anything
before, so there wasn't Now he's just
any way I was going to another case
say no. for the Normals
to point at to
As it was, I helped them justify their
load up to get it over there, own tedious
and helped a bit with the blandness.
launching operations and
breakdown, but managed to A traitor
miss most of the setup work to the
as I'd snuck off to find cause.
some food.
(We will skip my
...and also vague sense of
to hide from guilt at not
a party full helping as much (And this is over and
of raging as everyone else.) above the torture he's
beautiful put his wife through...)
people with
more money
than taste. This party was a warm-up
for the SFMOMA's "Rebelaissance
Ball", an event that was being Yeah, that's
marketed to a class of folks what they called
that I don't normally associate it. Meaning
with. I walked in the door a "Rebel
looked around and thought Renaissance"?
"What the fuck is this, are
all these people from LA?" I've got to
say, that that
Notably the beautiful is one of the
people were severely dorkiest names
underrepresented when I've ever
we actually went out heard.
and did the trebuchet
thing in the empty lot. And I go around
calling myself
"The Voice of
Doom".
Anyway, it's about time I
did the punch line, don't
you think? Let's run through
the setup again quickly:
He was an artist, who had
been making a living as
a toy designer with carpentry
on the side. He'd just sold
a few works for ten grand each
in the last several months.
He had an exhibit coming up
at the SFMOMA. He and his wife
seemed devoted to each other,
they were always running off
together to have strange
adventures. All friends report
him to be in a cheerful and
helpful mood.
One day after he and his wife
spent a nice day together,
and they'd come home and
were sitting in the back yard,
watching the moon.
Then he stood up, said something
cryptic, walked into the house
and shot himself.
One of the things about
hanging around with Bill
is that there just wasn't
any point in trying to
top his stories.
I just heard a story of his on tape,
recently: he was riding his motorcycle
in Nepal at night, and had an accident
striking a little girl. He had to ride
into Katmandu with a policeman and a
relative of the little girl (both piled And he was having trouble
on his bike). The girl was being taken seeing the road, because
to the hospital there. There was a the impact with the girl's
revolution going on in Katmandu at the head had knocked his head
time, inspired by the collapse of light out of alignment.
communism in eastern Europe. There was
gunfire in the streets. The doctors at
the hospital were on strike.
Nevertheless, they somehow managed to
treat the girl, and luckily she wasn't
hurt seriously. But then he immediately
had to go to night court, where he
bargained his fine down to 1000 rupees
(like $33... not a big deal), then he What do you say after
got to ride back to his hotel late at someone talks about
night, and deal with the something like this?
inept doormen (young children) "Oh yeah, that reminds
struggling to open the door so that he me of the time someone
could at last get in and get some backed into my
sleep. Toyota.... Uh,
nevermind."
Or there's the
story about going camping
with a portable hot-tub
designed to be transported
on the back of a motorcycle.
Or there's
the stories
about the This madness-
rampant genius connection
insanity in certainly gets
his family, tiresome.
like the I could talk about some
crazed urban nuttiness in my family,
cowboy, and but there really isn't
his strange much to compare to real
hopeless paranoid schizophrenia...
unrequited
infatuations...
But this brings us to theory
number one. Why did he...?
Ah, insanity in the family.
One of his personal
fears was that someday this
insanity would manifest in
himself. So that was it?
A sudden attack.
Too sudden to give him a chance to
Or, how about the talk it over with any of the many
story about the weird people who would've been glad to
goings on next door listen...
to his house? There
were all these asian
guys coming and going How sudden? How sudden
all the time, but he can it be? Did he really
didn't think much of it. have something like an
One day there was something instant anreuyism? A fit
weird going on out on the of suicidal determination
street, and he walked out that came out of nowhere?
into this crowd of guys
to ask what they were up Okay, could be. But I
to. It dawned on him that can't shake the nagging
they all had guns out... feeling that he knew what
he got out of there. It was happening to him, and
turns out that they were let it happen anyway.
FBI. This house was
essentially the headquarters Too paranoid
of a new Tong invasion in to discuss his
San Francisco. paranoia? Or you could
call this the
There was also something Unfortunately, ever popular
about a fire next door, I can see where blame the
but I can't remember where this might victim approach:
it goes in this sequence. come from.
Sorry for the mangling. He knew he
Despite the was at risk,
pollyanna why didn't
In any case, if you've advice you're he take
been following the local likely to better
press, you've read about receive these care of
these characters. The SF days, it really himself?
Weekly just had a cover may be a very
story about them not too dangerous thing Counseling?
long ago. to let yourself Anti-depressants?
get anywhere
And you know what? near being
When I first heard classified
that he'd shot himself, "insane".
my immediate thought
was "No way... it must've You might end up
been those chinese gangsters with loved-ones
nailing him for testifying doing awful things
about their activities." to you "for your
own good".
If you want to file
this under "Denial" Or not so "loved-ones"
I will not object. might seize on the
opportunity to have
This theory strikes me your legal competence
as being much less challenged.
crazy than what the
cops originally came And as much as it seems
up with: they were like he could've talked
grilling his wife to any of us... there
evidentially on the does seem to be things he
theory that she might probably couldn't say,
have killed him. even to his wife.
Try and imagine you're in Things like "I don't want
her place for a minute. to do this SFMOMA thing,
He's just walked into I just don't like those
the house. You hear a people, why bother with
loud noise. Huh, did them?" Or "I don't want Fear of
he knock something over? to do another of those success
You casually walk into sculptures, I did one might
the house, and find that already, why make a be yet
he's blown a hole in his duplicate... there's another
head. You cradle his other things I'd rather theory.
head in your lap, and dial build, even if they won't Wouldn't
911 as he's dying. They make any money." be the
tell you to get out of there. first
They arrive really quickly, case.
grab you and isolate you for
three hours, grilling you
intensively, while your husband's
blood dries on your clothes.
You're in no condition to even
think to ask for a phone call Suddenness.
or a lawyer.
Walked in and
Now, let's cut them some slack. shot himself.
Spouses do indeed kill each other, There was
they may be the most logical no pause.
immediate suspects in many cases.
But look at the circumstances, But he was a
how exactly was this suppose to gun safety
have been done? "Hey Billie, fanatic: guns
let me put this gun in your mouth." were not to be
Or maybe "Open your mouth and kept loaded.
close your eyes..." Or okay,
maybe you're figuring he was really Not under
already unconscious from alcohol normal conditions.
or some other drug. So you look
for drugs in the body, you check Was he planning
the position he was in when shot. it?
And okay, you question the wife,
and you do question her fast, before This kind of
she can come up with a story. evidence
But *three hours* worth of grilling? ain't much.
It's all we've
got though.
There's always
going to be some
big holes,
mostly labeled
"Why?"
One of our more anti-gun
friends took this
Incidentally: opportunity to bring
Though I'm up the gun issue. (You know the
fairly "pro way the argument
gun", I do Another friend really goes, right?
have to give let him have it over this: If he didn't have
this guy "This is *not* about politics!" a gun around it
a lot of And so on. wouldn't have been
credit for so easy, he'd have
living up That's one reaction, and not had to think about
to his one I disapprove of. it more, etc.)
convictions.
He's much My reaction: It's an insult
better at to Bill to suggest that in
being the absence of a gun he would
"anti" than not be able to think of a
I am at quick and efficient way
being "pro". of killing himself.
E.g. he goes My first thought: riding
to gun shows a motorcycle over the
and tries to cliff at Fort Funston.
get the officials
to enforce the
rules, talks to
kids about the
dangers of gang
violence, etc. And so... this last weekend
I was called on once again
to be on the trebuchet crew.
Bill had some cohorts who
stepped in to put on the finishing
touches, and we all once again
did the load up, transport,
A day or two after and set-up, this time over
it happened, we were at the SFMOMA. They wouldn't
on our way out to his let us fire it at anything...
house for an impromptu so it was a static display of
wake of sorts. a kinetic sculpture, which
makes about as much sense as
Waiting at the N Judah anything else in this affair.
stop near Church Street.
Looking up through I discovered somewhat
some tree branches, belatedly that this was a
wispy clouds were blowing one-day event, and we
in from the west and actually had to break it down
dissolving overhead. that night, at 1am. I finally
got to sleep at 4:30am or so.
I was thinking:
He'll never be
here to see this And then I had to get up 4 hours
again. later to do a radio show down at KZSU.
How could you not This was one of the
want to be here sloppier, more unplanned
at this moment? shows I'd done in a long
time.
Even if there *was*
something wrong with
love or work;
health or art;
There's still
always the sky.
Black hair, goatee, mustache turned handlebar
in recent years. Often with a Willie
I was just helping Wonka top-hat on more formal occasions.
with cleaning up
his workspace, and A man who's posed for many a photograph.
came across his top
coat: drenched in
metallic copper paint, Certainly not a man who's
trimmed with brass chain. lacking in eulogies.
Incredibly heavy. Lying but let's throw this
in the dust, admist many one on the pile anyway.
other strange creations.
His main motif:
gears. Designer of (I occasionally think
the "Gear-o-Matic" about getting a tattoo
toy line. of gear work... for me
it would be a symbol
In his workshop, of both engineering and
when the phone rings industrial music.)
(a) a strobe light flashes
(b) a large sculpture of
meshed wooden gears
starts spinning.
One of the things
he liked was
square gears,
meshed with
clover-leaf
shaped gears.
These actually
work: though
you'd need to
see the shape of
the gear teeth
to understand
how they can work.
His wife and my partner
often played up the ("Partner"? Yeah.
supposed similarities You can make a case One of the first
between him and I. for getting married things I had to
just so you know do was to reassure
She seemed to think what to call each her that Bill and
that he needed a other) I were not so
friend to hang with, similar that she
and was always trying needed to worry
to fix us up in one about me killing
way or another. myself.
For example, I got word through
her that he was a rock climber,
and since I have a lot of
gear mostly gathering dust
in a closet, I brought up
the subject with him once.
It seems that he *briefly*
tried rock climbing, but
regarded it as *far* too
dangerous. He complained
about them not wearing So why don't climbers
helmets. where helmets?
Macho bravado
I once offered a suggestion is probably
on something he was messing part of it,
around with, and he didn't but I think
react very kindly to that a lot of it is
either. So I gave up. simply that
they get in the
way.
Climbers
Despite the suggestion that get into
we're very similar (or perhaps tight spaces
because of our similarities) sometimes.
I have my doubts we would've Crawling
gotten along all that well along with
if we'd spent a lot of time your head
together. Constant arguments pressed up
about the right way to do against a roof.
things seemed likely.
An extra inch
of material
on your head
causes more
problems than
you would think
if you'd never
done some
serious climbing.
There is also the
point: "What for?"
why would you
wear a helmet?
Most climbing takes
place in heavily
trafficked areas
where most of the
loose rock has
been kicked loose
long before. I've
never had a stray
rock come down
anywhere near me.
The other risk There was
you might worry that idiot
about is taking who dropped
an odd leader his camera
fall, possibly though.
swinging on the Dropped gear
rope, hitting on a crowded
your head on climb is
the rock. still a
risk.
So, am I a bigger But when you
maniac than Bill, do take leader
because I'm willing falls, you
Or was Bill to do that crazy usually know
a bigger rock climbing stuff? you're going
maniac than to peel, and Though there was
me, because To me it's always you control one fall I took
he rode seemed like rock the fall as where I was all
motorcycles? climbing can be it's happening. over the place.
(A proud made arbitrarily The rope had
member of safe. Everything been running
the BDF -- moves very slowly, between my legs,
the British you're constantly and when I fell
Death Fleet). in control, thinking it went taut
out every move. and flipped me
His final You exercise your own over.
comment on judgment about what
rock climbs are too difficult This is not
climbing: and whether or not the recommended.
"If I'm next move is too
going to dangerous for the
do something available protection.
that You can usually back out
dangerous, of a climb at any moment
I want to (sometimes at the cost
be moving of losing a piece of
at high equipment).
speed."
Oh, and it's a funny
coincidence, but when
I go climbing, lately
I *have* been wearing
a helmet. I don't get out
much, but I do sometimes
ride a bicycle over to
Glen Canyon Park, to do
some "bouldering" by (This is a particularly bad
myself. And it just bouldering area to be
seems logical to leave climbing without a
my bike helmet on when spotter... it's just safe
I do it. enough to make you feel
secure, but there are a few
places you could peel off
and slam your head on a
rock behind you.)
Back to the
forklift. My
partner had just
set up the warehouse
for her new business
(next door to Bill's
work shop, across
the street from his
wife's business).
They decide that The last party they held
the rented forklift at the workshop, they
is an occasion for had rented a cherry-picker
celebration, and and gave people rides, up
Bill gets a large down and sideways.
couch out of his shop,
and puts it on the tines Just to give you an
of the forklift, facing idea of the way these
forward. people think.
We all took turns running this forklift,
driving around on the streets with couch
full of people swilling champaign.
I was the first driver. When I had it in
motion, I kept the couch at a relatively
low level, jacked up so that the bottom of
the couch was just above my eye level so I
could see where I was going. I would also
jack it up to it's highest extension, and
bounce people up and down, but I'd only
do this while it was still. If something
went wrong, I didn't want to drop people
from a high altitude, and I was afraid
that there was a chance the whole thing
could tip over if we tried to drive at
high speed with the center of gravity
jacked up really high.
Later on, we gave some instruction to
one of the woman at the party in how
to drive the forklift, and Bill and I
both hopped on the couch.
She immediately jacked the couch
all the way. Then it occurred to
me that I hadn't said that
maybe she shouldn't drive with
it extended. I started yelling
something about this, and Bill
started contradicting me as a
joke, yelling "all right, full
speed a head, no, he says go for it"
or words to that effect.
She took him seriously (if she
heard him at all) and started
driving. I kept yelling things
about how this wasn't a good
idea (physics lessons from
fifty feet: "uh, we have a really
high center of gravity now").
Bill also started yelling that she
should stop, and so on, but we
both didn't realize how hard it was
to be heard from up there, while
the motor was being revved below.
Then we were approaching the end
of the street, and she clearly
was going to try to make a U-turn.
She was edging over to the right,
and of course the road near the
gutter is banked the wrong way for
this turn, we're going to be tilting
to the right while she tries it.
Then Bill completely lost it,
He spun around, kneeling on the couch,
leaning over the back, screaming at
the top of his lungs, right down
over her head. Finally, this was
loud enough (and sounded serious
enough?) that she stopped, and we
did not do the physics experiment
of seeing if we really could tip
over this forklift (after all...
maybe it's not so easy... they *are*
pretty heavy, and none of us have
much experience with them).
She lowered us down, and Bill yelled
at her for a minute, and stalked
off.
And now that There was something about the
I've run through quality of his panic here that
this story I made me think he had a touch of Certainly he
feel like I've fear of heights. had more than
broken the me: I've got
rules, and Which might explain why close to zero,
"spoken ill of he enjoyed motorcycles possibly less
the dead", which more than climbing. than makes
wasn't really any sense.
the idea.
As we were
It's not like approaching
I think he reacted that corner,
inappropriately. I was thinking
His "panic" got the things like
message across. Maybe the real point "Okay, if this
is that he did not tips over,
My "calm" reaction noticeably have anything the thing to
was arguably much like a "death wish", do is to
nuttier. he was adventurous, stay with the
but not self-destructive. forklift as
He certainly didn't it goes down,
seem like someone who unless we're
wanted to check out close enough
early. to that tree
to jump to it."
Anyway, just so you know, "Bill"
is sometimes known as "William Sheffield".
Think of him when you see the night sky.
(Sorry.)
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